Credit where credit's due

Sir,

can it be that even though I am an international war criminal of some renown you still will not extend me credit? Surely you are aware of my vast wealth accumulated via always shrewd investments in other's misery? Yet when I contacted you recently about the simple matter of paying you for electricity, you informed me that because I have no credit history in a civilised country (i.e. the United States and perhaps when you are feeling charitable, Canada) in addition to paying a deposit (very sensible, I might steal some electricity and run away) I must provide you with proof of ID which, I might add, you seem to be incapable of finding despite me sending it three times. How much electricity do you expect me to steal? Are you perhaps worried that I will steal all the electricity? That I will do this and flee with it, contained in a giant duracell bunny, back to my third world home, where I will use it to amaze my tribesmen and achieve the status of a deity? Proof of identity will no doubt then be invaluable to you in tracking me down with your crack team of electro-cockatiels, before eliminating me and restoring the electricity to its rightful place, powering the heated toilet seats and automatic can openers of the one true nation.

When I tried to obtain rental insurance I again fell victim to your elite credit rating ninjas. Do they believe that I will make spurious claims because I come from the elsewhere? Could this problem not be solved instead by 'investigating' any claims I might make before throwing cash at me until I drown in it?

Thankfully the cable people do not seem to be so concerned about my dark past, and will be popping round next Friday to install my six megabit per second porn pipe.

Love you long time,

Ten Dorrar.

Actually, now that I know mummy is reading this, it seems like a good time to mention that someone was robbed at gunpoint two days ago, on a road that I visited while looking for houses. Thrilling!