Plan A was to share with some other people. However the intelligent reader will recognise from the use of the past tense that this has fallen through.
The primary hurdle is discrimination. Most of the adverts that include 'nice', 'clean' or 'new' when describing a room or house also involve the phrase 'females only'. I find this entertaining. It's also actually illegal. How do I know? Because it says so on the very webpage the adverts are on. Discrimination based on gender is apparently up their with, age, disability, race and possibly species (a lot of students have pets here). Also, do they really think all men are either dangerous sexual predators or hooligans? Doubtless there is some (lots of) truth in the former, but in my experience women are the cause of 99.9% of household filth and stress. Anyway these adverts are helpful because they stop one wasting valuable time visiting future spinsters who spend their time knitting with cat hair and eating rich tea biscuits.
Most of my emails responding to adverts from people who claimed to be looking for 'roommates' (Freedom speak for 'housemate' and a classic American misrepresentation of a product) were met with silence. Do these people not know who I am? Certainly their lives were meaningless before, now they will remain that way. If I'd known I was going to be ignored I would at least have written something that entertained me.
Hi, is the room you advertised using comic variations on grammar, spelling and punctuation still available? I'd like to come and see it and then refuse to leave. I'm an aging, balding, arsehole who'll make your life a misery and then years after you think you've got rid of me I'll walk back into your life, insisting on staying as a guest in your new home. I'll cause friction between you and your spouse by making obscene suggestions to her and I'll get your kids hooked on crack so they have to start walking the streets to fund their habit. Looking forward to meeting you soon, Droid.
Some people did respond though. Mainly to say that they'd already found a victim for their hellhole, sometimes even wishing me good luck with the search.
In the end I went to see two places with a spare room. At the first it took forever (this is, in fact, an exaggeration but some of you people are bleeding idiots so I thought I'd point it out) for someone to come to the door. When the door finally opened it was to release an avalanche of small furry animals. Wading through yorkshire terriers and stepping on cats I found myself in what was actually a very nice family home. Family home. Clearly unsuitable for a young man about town such as myself.
The next place also had an animal theme , being flanked by properties with large dogs tethered outside. They earned their keep by baying, snarling and desperately willing chain links to snap so that they could disembowel me. The car tyre lying on the path was also a bad sign. The people inside were friendly, but very much into red and purple hair colouring products. Also their description of the bathroom as a 'biohazard' was spot on. The kitchen was just as bad and amusingly, 'if we keep any food in it we get ants, so uhhh...' Also the heating didn't work.
Depressed by not finding a house of cheerleaders with a vacant room and hot tub, I faced up to the prospect of getting a place of my own. Clearly this is seller's market though, because the first apartment I saw was falling apart (but with free high speed internet; maybe you can buy new walls on ebay?) and the resident of the second had left in a suspicious hurry, forgetting to take with him such essential items as broken eggs, shoes and a box of condoms.
The third apartment was actually fairly good, with a suspiciously mould free bathroom and enough space for my chaise longe, 18th century discharges collection and wet nurse. I might take it. In preparation, I am now practising for living alone by muttering to myself in the supermarket and staring into corners.
I'd like to share more about the Virginia tv advert for Obama. I can't tell if they're indulging in a sly joke or not. The bit about guns actually says, "He'll let us keep our guns, so we can protect ourselves". Meanwhile a man in an orange hunting jacket is shown striding through a clearing. The message is sound. Obama will let Virginians protect themselves from the menace of ducks and possibly deer. A key pledge that Senator Geriatric has missed out on.
Writing in chalk is something students in Charlottesville seem to spend a lot of time doing. Mainly their scribblings form adverts for plays, charity events and class rings (the less I know about this the better) but my favourite is near my department and says "Free Food Fight Cancer!"
Now I think I'll put on my wire frame specs and goose step downtown to join the Palin youth.
Much love,
Kimberly
I miss Kimberly. Keep writing, genuis. x x x
ReplyDelete