This city flies in the face of the American dream by having a public transport system. Certainly the whole population must be on some kind of CIA watch list. The buses are actually pretty good, and one of the routes is free to ride, giving the homeless the opportunity to sit at the back muttering to themselves while students try to avoid eye contact with them. In fact I think making the students uncomfortable is the only reason they get on. Good job.
On the other hand the city is apparently normal in that there's practically no street lights, because why would you need them when your SUV has headlamps powerful enough to make a house burst into flame? The upshot is that if you get off the bus at night you are suddenly plunged into a nightmare world of pitch black punctuated by neon signs that involve the word 'ribs' and a silence broken only by distant whoops from people who have bought a whole beer using their fake ID.
Daylight doesn't make things any better. Last week, while walking home through the Frat house district I came across something called the Sigma Sigma Sigma spikefest. My disappointment was immense when, instead of finding a playing field full of English majors impaled on 12 foot stakes, I discovered them playing volleyball while listening to 'Hits from Romcoms, Volume 1'. My squirrel friends and I watch and wait, our time will come.
In fact this was Family weekend, where Mom and Pop come to see how their money is being spent helping Junior and Billie-Jo waste their youth. It is apparently a big thing and all the hotels fill up, plus there are probably plays, recitals, shows of affection and a sign up sheet for the roving dog turd collection squad.
I have watched some tv this week. It is helping me adjust while maintaining my distance from actual Americans (who I only seem to talk to at the grocery store). The news of course covers only the pending national competition between feckless wittering liberals and people who think McCarthy got it right. Information is delivered primarily through stories about Hurricane Palin and its devastating effect on the Republican party since landfall.
Adverts provide a much better grounding in what it's all about. I can only assume that it's tailored to Virginia, but the Obama campaign's advert starts by reminding everyone that he supports "the right to defend yourself and the second amendment", which in case it isn't clear means "he'll let us keep our guns", before moving on to minor technical issues like jobs, taxes and the economy.
The networks try to cram so many adverts in that many of them are cut off before they actually finish, leaving you to guess which company you should mindlessly give your money to. One exception is pharmaceutical adverts; after the initial sales barrage for what are actually prescription drugs the majority of the time is taken up by detailed medical warnings about possible side effects.
The Cialis advert is exceptionally grueling. Various shots of old men with twinkling eyes are followed by an all American guy with blazing white teeth and wearing a pastel blue sweater. Whilst reclining on a couch he cheerfully reminds you that "to avoid injury or permanent damage seek the advice of a physician for any erection lasting more than four hours".
May your erections last less than four hours,
word.
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