The unbearable shiteness of being

Taking media scaremongers, profiteering pharmaceutical corporations, WHO and perhaps most tellingly, pigs and birds completely by surprise, droid flu has become the big killer of early 2010. I started incubating it the weekend before last, and lovingly brought it up to weapons grade within the warm mucosal embrace of my own sinuses, before releasing it on an unsuspecting public. Though I abided by international regulations, replacing my voice with a strange wheezing and gurgling noise to warn passersby, my mission was still a convincing success: I spread my creation liberally around my department, severely debilitating two coworkers. I even gave it to Sometimes Friend, condemning her to several days at home with dwindling supplies of orange juice, an oven full of flip-flops and only the company of her cats.

One and a half weeks later, I'm feeling much better. Thanks for asking.

Ordinarily I obtain all my health advice from adverts on webpages. Vital missives on the dangers of acai berries and the folly of paying to have my teeth whitened, wave cheerily at me from their positions next to the article I am reading on the resurgence of pleaching in the 19th century. I smile to myself, grateful that concerned citizens whose only interest is the wellbeing of others have made the effort to tell me about one simple trick to lose 60 pounds, no doubt surmounting substantial obstacles put in place by socialised healthcare and Princess Obama: they don't want the public to know, because otherwise the death panels will have nothing to do, and taxes will have to be lowered, shattering the communist dream.

This very yesterday I received, through my mail no less, a dispatch from a local dentist - not even my dentist! It was addressed to "Our Friends at [my address]". Slightly worried to learn of these dentist-chums living in my apartment without my knowledge, I decided to read on.

The highly informative "Dental News & Views (TM)" Vol 18 Issue 2, doesn't just provide ominous warnings about the dangers of not visiting dentists, it also furnishes the reader with charming stock images of people with very white teeth and very white vests. Actually all the people are very white too, apart from the the stock image of token minorities. They could have at least got the Asian girl to smile; I hope the agency didn't pay her. Sorry, wandered off on a tangent. What I meant to say was: it provides cold hard facts and the exclamation marks to back them up. Because some of your are in the Teapot Kingdom or other holiday destinations, and don't benefit from first rate healthcare-related advertising, like what I do here in Freedom, I thought I'd share some first world wisdom, so that you don't put all your faith in divinations based on chicken entrails or tiger giblet tonic or whatever. You can put your faith in God though. We're totally cool with that. Anyway, "Dental News" starts off strong with a big old title in several fonts, using what I think was called 'wordart' when computers displaying multiple colours were still novel. Apparently

Flossing IMPROVES
Your Overall Health!

That's right. Flossing what, or even whom, doesn't matter. It just works. We are referred to a recent article in the Harvard Dental Bulletin entitled "Floss or die: the link between oral health and cardiac disease". And you thought the climate science peer review system was in trouble. Presumably translated from Harvard speak for our benefit:

Research has linked advanced gum disease to serious--and even life-threatening--conditions like heart attack and stroke!

EVERY DAY COUNTS!!

Luckily for us, with our childlike capacity for information storage and retrieval, after a couple more lines of admonishment there is a summary.

Bottom line: Gum disease can lead to tooth loss, bone loss and health losses!

That's bold and italic! Holy shit balls, this is serious. After that bottom line, there are then several more lines going over the same information again. But not all hope is lost, because (at the end of page 1)

We can help!!

Phew.

Inside we learn that

It starts with "Mental Floss"!

and

...flossing your teeth regularly can make your "real age" as much as 6.4 years younger.

Most people report only 5.73 years though. On the back, printed in a big rectangle, that makes it almost seem like the whole thing is some kind of faceless mass marketing vehicle designed for local dentists to use in mail shots, is the address of a local dentist. The local dentist assures us that

You Won't Find a "Friendlier Staff" Anywhere Else!

Those are their capitalisations. And their quotation marks; perhaps "Friendlier Staff" is actually a euphemism for "Troop of Sadistic Barbary Apes in Possession of Drilling Equipment and a Reclining Chair".

Most of all, you should remember to "CALL NOW!" or at the very least to "Pick up the phone and call us NOW!!"

The oral bulletin finishes with a controversial complimentary close:

Yours for Dental Health

I'm going to bed now, to recharge my exclamation marks.