Re-entry

Lock up your daughters, grandparents, and transfer your zebras to another zoo. I'm back and you're all in a lot of trouble.

I understand that my audience will have dwindled now that holidays have started and people don't need an escape from the wrist cutting tedium of excel/word/solitaire. However as I sit here by the fire, a sherry in my hand and deep in the bosoms of my family, I thought I might share some highlights of the trip back with my true fans.

I took the greyhound to Dulles. Whilst the driver was loading bags and we were figuring out how to remove the chewing gum from our seats, a lovely woman boarded and immediately called her companion (possibly her younger sister) an asshole for not helping her with her bags. Then she decided she'd lost her ticket and went back outside to shout at the driver. This was a good start and was only bettered when the man with consumption got on.

Sometime into the journey a strange beast-like growling noise came from the rear of the coach. As I had seen no animals other than humans board, I assumed the source to be a child. Possible confirmation of my hypothesis came when a stern voice at the back demanded, "Sit down! Sit down or am I going to have to medicate you?"

There was a good road sign about self propelled pets that I didn't quite have time to read properly and a slow witted man telling a Chinese student about his life history, including the secret work he did for the military that he supposedly couldn't talk about.

I self-medicated my way across the Atlantic using free alcohol as usual, but it was especially necessary; the man in front of me had his seat fully reclined, pinning my legs and making me uncomfortably intimate with his scalp, while the child behind kicked me in the kidneys for six hours.

I have now been awake forever and have finally seen the true face of God. Oprah says hi.